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Young, Dumb and Smoking for the First Time – The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder

Young, Dumb and Smoking for the First Time – The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder


Dallas Cowboys playing
the Philadelphia Eagles this Sunday in Dallas.
What should the bet be? What should Black Lou win?
What should Jay win? I mean, give people examples.
This is very open-ended. Right? Could be
Jay eats a pile of- No jerseys. Hardcore gay stuff on the table?
I’d say- That’s awesome.
It’s very progressive. Things where we have to go away
for several days to do it? I would say some sort
of mountain climbing activity. Possibly a sun dance in Asia- Some sort of wife swap. Oh, a wife swap would be good. A wife swap.
I say don’t underestimate- Which is pretty cool.
I’m not with my wife anymore so- … an old-fashioned pie
to the face. But like, you take pie crusts
and you fill it with maybe a mustard
or a horrible cheese. It’s the Bonfire. Comedy Central radio series
XM 95. I’m Dan Soder, that’s Big Jay Oakerson
coming in studio right now. New special coming out now,
January 4th at 11:00 p.m. Eastern on Comedy Central.
Part of stand-up month. Ron Funches. Giggle Fit.
January 4th. Hi, Ron. Hi.
How’re you doing, dude? Good. How’re you guys doing?
Doing all right. You got headphones on
headphones. I respect that. Yeah.
You got your dual- It’s like 2 Chainz
of headphones. Yeah, you’re dual-wielding. Yeah. Yeah. Before we get
into talking to Ron, I want to thank Isaac Harris,
who came out in Boston and gave us that duster
and that Marlboro jean jacket. Marlboro Miles. Marlboro Miles. A legit Marlboro
Miles jean jacket, which is pretty
fuckin’ hard to get. I got a Marlboro Miles watch.
You did? It’s old Swiss Army, yeah. Wait, that’s a Marlboro Miles? Yeah, yeah. From smoking?
Or you just buy it online? Make up your own answer.
Whatever’s more fun. Ron-
You bought it online. I bought it online. … did you ever
smoke cigarettes? I tried once, you know,
just to see. People were like,
“Hey, try this.” And you just didn’t see- What all the hubbub was about? Yeah. And a lot of times,
people were like, you know,
if you’re getting hi- smoking pot, they were like,
“It helps you.” Yeah. I’ve heard it like that-
well, I mean, I smoked cigarettes
for a long time, and that was the thing. I remember my friends
being like, “It’s better after
you get high.” Yeah. And I believed it
because of the smoking- Smoking cigarettes? Yeah. I was like, “It is,”
but it’s really not. It’s no difference. Yeah. I didn’t like it, didn’t
like the head rush, you know, so I never liked spliffs,
or anything like that. Do you turn down spliffs now?
Like, if- Now, yeah, because I have weed
and that’s great. Yeah, but I’m saying, even if-
I kind of like when someone, as a former cigarette smoker,
when someone has a spliff, I’ll be like, “Oh,
I’ll fucking get into it,” (everyone agreeing) like I’m being
a little naughtier with my weed. The tickle’s back.
Oh hey old friend. I’m getting a rush.
I’m like “Ha.” So yeah, so you never-
it was one cigarette, then you’re like “Fuck this.
I’m never smoking.” Yeah. No. Never. What kind of cigarette was it?
Was it a menthol cigarette? My first, that sounded
more racial. My first was
a menthol cigarette- Your first one?
Mine was a Marlboro light. And it was very harsh. Yeah, I think it was a Marlboro. Marlboro?
Yeah. I think Marlboro’s usually
the first cigarettes for a lot of kids. Oh yeah, crushing
with a Marlboro Red you just dig right into
like the harshest cigarette. That’s too much.
Cowboy killer? That’s what my dad smoked. So that’s who I was
stealin’ ’em from. Oh, in that case,
mine was a Merit. A Merit cigarette? Mine was my step-father’s
full strength Newport. It is funny again,
my parents, from a time, even I now make
the menthol cigarettes being a black thing joke. It’s a great thing
that everyone gets but I tell you
my father smoked Kools, my mom smoked Kools
filter kings and my step-father
smoked Newports. You wanna know a
real underappreciated menthol cigarette?
Salems. They’re out there. That’s what I started smoking. My friend would steal
cigarettes from his mom and his step-dad before the bus
arrived in 7th grade. It was always a Marlboro Light
and a Salem Light and you had to fuckin’
pick which one and if you got the Marlboro
Light, you were like “Yeah! I don’t have to smoke
fuckin’ glass.” I won that comedy contest Salem
cigarettes sponsored years ago, Salem or B contest,
and when I won they sent me a case of cartons
of Salem Lights and the box was so cool. It was so cool,
the box opened sideways. Oh it was the sliding out? The slide out box and I’d never
smoked cigarettes before. I tried a Newport
when I was younger. I never smoked as an adult. And at 22 years old
or something, Is when you started, I forget
that you started smoking. My girlfriend and me broke up,
I was like, “I wanna look cool”, hanging outside of comedy clubs. I don’t perform anywhere really,
or get up very much, so I’m gonna sit outside the
comics and be cool and smoke. In the beginning, it’s hard
to think that I was smoking, I was actively smoking
to make sure that I was, I had to get a few in,
like I was practicing. That’s what drinking is. But I was practicing for,
then it comes time, you have to stop yourself
from just chaining it non-stop. But there was a time I was like
“4 exits from here I’ll smoke another cigarette”. That what’ll get me
used to smoking. So that was your training? Ron, how old were you
when you started smoking weed? I was 16.
You were 16. Did you do training,
because that’s what, weed is the thing
you need to train on, it’s the thing that you smoke
and you get too high and you’re like “I can do
that better next time.” No, I just- the first time
I smoked I went to my friend’s trailer and they had
a little wizard bong and they had a bunch
of Red Vines, which became very delicious
and then whatever we were watching became the best show
I’d ever seen. So, then, the next day
I was like “Yeah, I wanna do that again.” I remember Pizza Hut,
the first time I really, really high
when I was a teenager. I went home and all I wanted was a Pizza Hut pizza
at 10 in the morning and my mom’s boyfriend was like
“Why are you pushing this?” And I was like “Come on,
let’s get a fucking pizza!” I want a Big Foot. I was hopin’ the guy
fuckin’ my mom wasn’t a pussy. I dunno maybe, I thought I could
respect you as a man, but I guess I can’t if you won’t
do 10 am pizza from Pizza Hut. Yeah, that seems like a thing that your mom’s boyfriend
would be down with. That’s the allyoop,
I’m fuckin’ settin’ him up. I want him to be like
eh! What an easy way to make him
the cool guy to you. I was handin’ Joe a pass
to be the fuckin’- Yeah, if I was fuckin’ your mom
and you’re like “let’s get half a pizza
and play Sega Genesis” I’d be like
I’m never leavin’ this place. Hey kid, do you want
my last name? I feel a kinship with him. I’m gonna adopt him.
I’m gonna adopt him. Cuz he’s really chill
about this. I go, “Hey dude, do you wanna
watch old wrestling and eat pizza and play Sega?”
I go, “I don’t know, son.” Did we just become
best friends? Yeah, oh my god, am I
banging your mom too loud? You let me know. Nah, you do you, it’s great. Opposite of that.
I had a guy that was like “Children should be seen
and not heard.” You’re like, “I’m 16.” I didn’t smoke any weed
when I was young at all. When was the first time
you got high? The first time I smoked weed,
I was probably 18 or so. Okay, that’s not… Terribly… But not even that though,
I also didn’t… Everything the first time I try,
it doesn’t do very much for me. Mushrooms… You just did DMT- DMT? Nothing, it didn’t work. Have you done DMT at all? No, I’m, I haven’t
done many things. I’m mostly pot and mushrooms
are my things. I’m allergic to alcohol,
so I don’t drink that. And then I have addiction
in my family from my dad and so I was always “I’m not
gonna do coke and stuff, because I’m like
I’m gonna love it.” (laughs) That’s the same reason
that I don’t do coke. That’s what I always said too. My thing was what if I,
the two lines I ever did, two lines total, one per time,
two different times, didn’t really do anything to me
and then I was like… People were like “no,
you gotta try it like this” You’re like, “you know what? Let me just never find out
that it’s great.” If it’s great, the next
weekend you’ll be like “I can do it once
in a while on a weekend.” Then it’s every weekend
and then- That’s what addiction is, it’s just like convincing
yourself to do it one more time. I already do that
with cheese sticks. Talk about crushing a menthol, couple of fat lines
in you with that menthol. Andy is the guy who- Andy looks like the guy
to get you on coke, like it’s harmless
and innocent from the 70s. He’s the guy who hangs out – Just so we can drink
a little longer, that’s all. Yeah dude, I’m tellin’ ya man,
it’s gonna help you study. You have a college coke face. Andy’s the guy who has a party
at his mom’s mansion, but he never leaves his mom’s
bedroom the whole time. She’s out, but he just
like holds camp in there with a couple of chicks. He’;s like, “yeah, we’re just
hangin’ out on my mom’s gold lame bed.” No, tell them to go away. So, anyway, Tiffany, Molly,
you guys ever kissed before? Coke was a thing that I do this,
if I do the training, like you said
with smoking cigarettes, where you were like one more
cigarette before the exit. For me, cigarettes, I had my first cigarette
behind a dollar store, it was called McFrugal’s. It was on Chambers
and Hampton in Aurora. We laugh, but that
is a great name. That is a great name. That is a solid name, do you know how hard it is
to come up with business names? McFrugal’s was right there. And it was a dollar store. Just shy of calling it Cheapies. McFrugal’s –
Do you think they name it that thinking these rubes
aren’t gonna get it, they’re gonna think it’s a name. No, totally. Me and my – I swear to god, I wish I was
shopping more at McFrugal’s. McBrokestein’s? Why did Walmart make it
and McFrugal’s didn’t? I’ll say this, for the amount
of times that I’ve said
Walmart in my life, I wish I would have said
McFrugal’s more. I wish it would have been like,
“I’m going to McFrugal’s.” McFrugal’s is a billion
dollar industry. We were behind a McFrugal’s
and we smoked a cigarette and I remember the first
couple drags were, I was 12,
and I was like this sucks. And then after the next couple,
I was like, “yeah, I do this now.” It was just like in my brain,
I do this now. And my friend Jason Poyle would steal cigarettes
from his parents. We’ve said it a bunch
on this show, but I’m just tryin’
to think of like- I remember believing
I was too old to play with- we had this conversation
before, to play with toys. Yeah, action figures. And having to stop myself, I went after probably months
to a year of not playing with GI Joes, I went and bought two and they changed the design
a little bit even in that year and I didn’t really
like it anyway, which was the excuse
why I was like “I’m done getting these,
no more of these at all.” But it’s crazy for me to think
that in the same time Dan was playing with GI Joes- Not GI Joes, WWF Hasbro figures Whatever it was,
you play with those I just bought some more. Yeah dude, they’re great and they did the re-issues
with new superstars. Yeah, I got some of those. Yeah, at the Retro,
but what he’s saying is when I was in 7th grade, I used to have my ring out
and all of my wrestlers and then on commercial breaks of
Wings or Doogie Houser, I would go outside
and smoke a Marlboro Red. And come back in
and play with toys. You can’t smoke
and play with toys. That’s such a- I’d go out and fuckin’ rip a Red and be like Tatonka
is on fire in this King of the Ring tournament. You can smoke
and go be a child soldier, but you can’t smoke and go play. Trauma
Like Dan’s out there, smokin’ a cigarette
and lookin’ at his watch, “I better get back in there.” Ah shit, mom’s about to come
home and start bustin’ my chops about chores. So we’re gonna get this cage
match out of the way. The second level
isn’t gonna clear itself. Flick. Fuck it.
Flick Ah dude,
Alright, I gotta get outta here. I gotta go through
the back yard, I’m
gonna do the side brew through- I gotta go make sure
I play those tails. You go – off the vent, aw, I couldn’t do it
a thousand times if I tried. I’m not lying if I say
you’re kind of accurate, because I used to have to hid
my cigarette butts because I was 12. Over the fence. I didn’t want my mom to know. I used to get really bad
head rushes because I was fuckin’ a child
so, I was – Because you’re head
wasn’t done developing yet? Oh yeah, and I remember smoking- And you’re body’s screaming
at you not to do this. Man, go back in and lay down. I don’t know what it was but
I’d get all woozy and nauseous. That’s exactly what it was, I was like, this is bad,
but then, I loved smoking. I want another one. I was so bad. How old were you when you’re mom
found out you were smokin’? I rode my bike home,
so I was like 14. And she was like whatever? No, fuck no. She was furious. So how long did you hide it
from her? About two years,
but I wasn’t smoking- So when you were 16? No, I quit smoking from when
I was about 14 and a half to 16, I just stopped smoking, but then
I got caught when I was 14. Because I came home,
we used to hang out, I’ve told stories about this
before, at this town house. You were the lawless society? It was just lawless.
This girl’s mom was, I think she was a prostitute,
but she was a massage therapist, so I was in there bustin’ nuts.
We were down in the basement and it was all these kids
drinkin’ 40s and smokin’ weed
and smokin’ cigarettes. I was one of the nerdier ones, so I was just smokin’ cigarettes
and occasionally smokin’ weed. But I went home
and my mom came downstairs, I didn’t know she was
going to come downstairs, and I was getting a glass
of juice in the kitchen and she’s like
“you smell like cigarettes”. And I like “Oh yeah,
we were over at Laura’s house.” And she goes “Come here.”
I was like “huh?” And she’s goes
“breath into my mouth” and I was like “fuck”
and I did the thing, where I breathed in,
and she goes “breath out” Keep sucking in. She was like “you fuckin’,
you were smokin’ cigarettes.” And then she woke up
her boyfriend, Joe, who was clearly drunk and
he escalated the whole thing. “You fuckin’ disrespect
your mom like that.” I was like “aw,
this fuckin’ guy.” So, then they went to bed,
and I smoked weed to calm down. I went out in the backyard and fuckin’ had
a fuckin’ little tin bowl. I didn’t have a house at all
where I could, my parents smoked, my mom and step-pop smoked,
but I couldn’t. Did you have a household
that was permissive? Oh no, no. It seems like you
either gotta be really poor or well off in a way
where you could be unsupervised. And my mom and I, my family,
we were right on that bubble, we didn’t live like in a ghetto,
but we were real close to it. So, we were always,
my mom would take us to museums and take us to school,
after school programs and really tried to keep us away
from doing stuff like that. That’s what it is man,
it’s the fuckin’ boredom We were broke
and unsupervised for sure, but I didn’t roll
with many pack of people that were gonna get it
to the real trouble at all. My choice of friends
was not very, there were kids that smoked, but I was just very naïve,
I shit you not, one time I went- I lived in south side Chicago,
so it’s not a very safe area and this park that my mom
would drop us off in sometimes
wouldn’t be that safe, sometimes gangs
would meet up there, so I’m going in the library
to go get a new choose-your-adventure and then there was a gang
having a meeting in there. In the library?
In the library. Which is like get your shit
together. Resourceful
Smart move, because nobody can yell out, nobody can blurt out,
you have to stay quiet in there. Dude, that is almost a way
to bring order, the gang member that thought
of that was ahead of the curve. Guys, I’ve looked into it,
if we don’t bring weapons, we can meet at the library. That’s great, I like yell
whispering though like a “god damn it,
we showin’-” In the middle of a reading room,
going “wrap your set” and the guys like “I agree”
and then he goes (snaps fingers) That’s what they were like,
they were in there and I interrupted their meeting
and they asked “what set do you claim?”
And I didn’t even- In the library? In the library! I’m just looking
for a periodical. I have my card somewhere. Encyclopedia Brown
I told them Sega, because I thought
it was a console war thing. Ah, that’s great,
what set you rep? He goes Jaguar. ColecoVision And they go, I don’t want
this guy coming’ sideways at me, this guy’s fuckin’ nuts. Dude, that is hilarious
to walk into the library, but the moment- What’s the realization
where you’re like “What’s this? Oh my god, this is a gang
having a meeting.” I mean, yeah,
I’m just really oblivious, I’m just reaching for a book
and then I’m like, “oh, you guys,
don’t seem like you got books and you don’t seem happy
to be here or that I’m here.” Yeah, just walk into one of
those meetings and you’re like “Everyone’s not happy that
I’m standing here right now. I am so sorry.” I asked Ronald during the break who his favorite football team
was Bears, the Chicago Bears. That Khalil Mack trade.
Unbelievable. Big deal. I think the Bears, they’re
a playoff team this year. I really hope that we can beat
the Rams this week. Me too. I would put money on it,
if I knew how to. I don’t know how.
I’ve never done it before, but if someone
could reach out to me? You need bookies to contact you. He’ll just tell you
all these crazy things, yeah I just take a 35% cut. Ron says, that’s sensible. Yeah, I don’t know,
I don’t know anything about it. That’s standard. Basically, how it goes,
he says “You give me $50, but you’re only betting
25 of it. So, if you want to bet 50,
you give me $100.” Sounds like square biz. And he goes, “this is how
those casinos are so rich.” Yeah, betting gets
a slippery slope. Have you ever watched anyone
get too into sports betting? Because it’s very uncomfortable. I’ve watched a lot of friends
get too into, but I’ve also never seen myself
collected money from a bookie. Oh like an actual bookie. I’ve never ever I’ve had a friend become
and then not become a bookie, because he couldn’t keep up.
He ran out of money. Really? Dude, I mean, I watched this guy
lose his hair over games. Dude, man, I was with a buddy
at a bar when RG3 was at Baylor. We were at a bar
watching his Bowl game with RG3’s Heisman season, my buddy is super into the game
and he’s from Colorado. I’m like “Why the fuck do you
care about this Baylor game?” He’s like “I have $5,000 on it.” And you’re like
“What the fuck!?” And he’s like “Yeah,
I took the spread.” We’re at this bar and I’m like “You put $5,000
on this fuckin’?” He’s not a rich guy. I’m like,
“Why are you doin’ this?” He’s like “I dunno,
I’m just into it now. I’m in deep.
I’m betting a lot.” You’re like 5 grand
on a fucking football game. That is crazy, I wanna do that. You wanna do that? This keeps
getting so Ron geeked up. He’s like fuck yeah. He goes “what’s
your buddy’s number?” My buddy, Little J,
his ex-girlfriend’s step-father, looked like Kenny Rogers
and worked for a bookie or was a bookie,
I don’t remember, but whatever it is,
all of our buddies, not me, because I didn’t gamble
like that, but they all got way into it. I’m talking about like having
to pawn shit, sell stuff, sometimes have a ton of money,
like buy a used car, you know, we’re teenagers,
so you’d buy a used car with a couple grand
you won one week and then you’d go buy a system
to put in in, a sound system, then the next week you have
to sell the sound system. No exaggeration, but it was all like
in the realm of 5 grand or less, but to teenagers, you might
as well say a million dollars. That’s a lot of money. I mean $5,000 That’s a lot of money
to an adult. I swear to you the first time
my bank account hit $5,000 was a memorable moment
in my life and it was way too late
in life to feel that way. One of those moments
where you were like “Uh, I probably should have felt
this about 10, 15 years ago. Yeah, you’re like man, if I
could have only been about this, but then he goes,
but I shouldn’t though. Have you ever hung out- Four digits baby! I remember when I was really
broke, hanging out with one
of my married friends who wasn’t as broke,
he was married and they both kinda
had stable lives and he left his ATM receipt
in the ATM and we were leaving. I was like, “Oh your receipt” and I looked at it
and there was like, he had like $3,200 in savings,
I was like Whoa! Oh you’re dealing
with a rich guy. I was gonna say, the Kenny
Rogers guy, though, when everybody got
into him deep started, he would try to do drive
by intimidation. Like roll his window
down slowly? Yes, he’d pull up next to us
in a car, like I’d be in a car
with a buddy and it’s a guy that looks like
Kenny Rogers, be like, “Boys, I notice you’re doin’
a lot of drivin’ around and not comin’ by
to give me my money.” And once he realized that he had
nothing more than that to do, they would just start bein’ like
“Fuck you Gus” or whatever his name was. And the window
slowly goes back up. They literally eventually just,
by the way my buddy, actually two of my buddies
banged the step-daughter, and but they just
kept disrespectfully not paying him back and then they found out that
there’s nothing he could do, he’s not affiliated, he was just
doing it for a bigger money guy. He had to murder one person
just so he could, so you guys
wouldn’t mess with him. Yeah, you gotta spill some blood The problem was, you could see
this guy wasn’t a blood spiller. It’s Kenny Rogers man. He starts every sentence
with “How you doin’?” Yeah, that’s what
he looked like. That’s my dad right there. Kenny Rogers I got a real Kenny Rogers
thing goin’ right now. Yeah, it seemed like he goes “You guys are really
lettin’ me down.” That’s what he says,
that’s his intimidation, he emotionally intimidates you? Yeah He goes,
“You guys, I expected more.” Come on boys, a fair man’s game. I’m not mad, I’m disappointed. I thought you were a man
of your word. Apparently a man’s word
means diddly-squat around here. Apparently the money
means more to you, keep it. Just remember, I don’t forget
that you took the Panthers five and a half.
That was in New Orleans. When the gambling happened
online, at one point,
my buddy had WebTV and figured out how to gamble
through that, but it was weird. You were gambling through WebTV,
but it was still like a guy’s gonna come to your house
about this. Really? It wasn’t done through
credit cards stuff right out of the gates. It was like Craig’s List
for gambling. Is that a good way to put it,
do you know what I mean? Yeah, I never fucked
with gambling, it was like cocaine,
if I get into this I will get, I will care about
a Pacers/Bucks game at one in the morning
that I shouldn’t care about. I’ve never gambled money
that would change my life. I think I’ve definitely told
that story of that guy’s whose couch I lived on
when I moved to Hoboken, was a buddy of mine.
He worked on Wall Street and he gambled in a way
that was very Wall Street-y. Because I knew him in college
and he was just like “Yeah, you can stay
on my couch in Hoboken.” And I would watch him,
it was the Florida-Ohio State National
Championship game, he put 500 down on Florida
or on Ohio State, they were losing,
he put a thousand down, and it just kept climbing
until that night he was betting $3,000 on a WNBA game.
And I was like “That’s crazy, that he’s just like
I gotta make it back, I gotta make it back.”
And it was all in one night. I went out to do open mics
and I came back and he’s like
“I’m fucked, I’m fucked, the Bucks fuckin’ lost and like
all this shit happened”. Bird let me down. Yeah, he’s like “Do you
understand Rebecca Lobo went off?” But I feel like the juice
only hits you if you don’t have
a lot of money, you need money, you gamble
and you win money. What I don’t understand
is high roller gambling. Like Floyd Mayweather? Sorta like that,
I don’t understand the idea of, I’ve heard, like
Cooming, and I’m not divulging, he talked about it
on Legion of Skanks one time and I’m making up
the number, but it was something
astronomical and he’d be like I lost about 17 grand gambling
at the tables and so and so. And you’re like
it’s a blip on his radar, but it’s also but the difference
is if you won 17 grand there. In your world, that’s like
buying an amazing used car or a decent new car. I think the action
is still there, the action of the,
the adrenaline of “is it gonna win?” It just hurts a lot less
if you lose. But if you can lose it,
what’s the- It just hurts a lot less, but I think the adrenaline
rush is still there. Do you gamble? Like at casinos? Oh, I never gamble, no. YOu’ve never played card games? I never understood it.
I don’t get it. To me, it’s like,
if I want more money, I’ll work. Yeah, for sure, not put on the
heels of someone else’s talent. Not luck, if anything,
life has proven to me, I don’t really have
a lucky route. I’m just gonna try to work
and get money and also being a big video
game player, especially from a child, I don’t understand
slot machines, you put a quarter in it beeps,
maybe something happens. I can play a video game,
I know I’m gonna have fun, it’s gonna be a great time, why would I,
it don’t make sense. Any time I do
any kind of lottery, like the scratch off lottery, I don’t even understand when
people just have the give me a win-for-life
and it’s just you scratch it and see if you have three
matching thing, like I have only ever done
the bingo or the crossword puzzle one… So you want a game? For my two to five dollars,
I want to play a game. I wanna sit there and go “oh,
did I get it? Did I get Bingo?” What if they mixed gambling
and video games? They have
They have a bit. What if I just made it up
right now and you guys are lying? You better build a time machine
mother fucker. Turn off the goddamn cameras,
I just invented something. Try to fucking undercut me. Jacob, what are you
writing down? Are you writing down
my video game-gambling idea?

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